Beginning of the End
by ShinkingShip
Summary: "Do I want to die from the inside out or the outside in?" ― Laurie Halse Anderson. Starts from before Lorraine breaks it off with Nicki in Series 8, Episode 24. Lorraine's thoughts and memories as she prepares herself to end their relationship. Will anything change her mind? Contains themes of an ED. May be triggering.
1. Chapter 1

**Thank you for clicking on this story. Just as a fore warning, this does contain a theme of eating disorders, so if you are suffering from one, and this will be triggering for you; which it probably will, I beg you, please do not read it. If I knew that my story was triggering people further into their ED, I would never ever forgive myself. I wrote this story, because it's something that has been on my mind since Episode 24, and I had to write it out. **

**If you like it though, please leave a comment, a constructive one please, it will help me get better at writing.**

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She can hear the dripping of the tap. Drip. Drip. She shakes her loosely curled hair gently, brushing it from her face. She cleared her throat, and looked behind quickly to check the toilet door was locked fully. Reaching over, she grabbed the roll of toilet paper and pulled at it a couple of times, twisting the cheaply manufactured material around her hand a couple of times before tearing it from the roll. The bundle of paper was placed on the cool, black tile floor of Waterloo Road's staff toilets, and she was _not _going to get whatever filth was on the others' shoes on her new designer pencil skirt. She kneeled down slowly, preparing herself, lowering her knees on to the scratchy synthetic paper.

Lorraine closed her eyes, and exhaled deeply, getting into the mode she needed herself to be in. Words swished around her head, too loud, making everything fuzzy. Her sister's voice pierced through her skull and she shook her head again, as if to literally force the sound out.

"Your girlfriend….,"

Repeated over and over, in various tones of voice. Lorraine hated her sister in that moment, for revealing one of the things that she had worked all her life to hide. She hated Sonya for bursting out with that information. She hated Michael too, for that goddamn smug look on his face, as if he knew all along – which of course he couldn't have. She had been so careful.

Lorraine remembered the time, at the start of Year 11, one of the girls that had been in her circle of friends had told them she was a lesbian. She remembered how the rest of the girls had turned against her, calling her derogatory names, ignoring her when she spoke, avoiding her eye contact in the hallways, as though someone's sexuality was contagious. That had been a siren call for Lorraine, confirming that there was never a good time to come out to her friends, it wasn't worth it.

For years, Lorraine had put on such a bravado front, that once she had left sixth form, she barely knew who she was anymore. She had spent every evening sitting in the park, with her 'best friend forever' Siobhan, and a group of whatever boys had taken a fancy to them that week. They sat beside the bushes, drinking bottles upon bottles of cheap vodka, until their throats were burning and standing up seemed like a hilarious concept. They lay on the rough, short grass scratching at their thighs under their school skirts, smoking whatever was handed to them by the older boys. Occasionally, one would sit too close to Lorraine for her liking. He would reach over and put his arm around her, stroking her back too roughly, his breath too hot on her neck. Lorraine would feel the unshaved stubble of his cheek rub against the side of her face, and she knew that if she just closed her eyes, and pretended his tongue wasn't circling around her mouth, and his hands weren't touching her in places that made her feel physically sick. She would breathe deeply, and do everything that she was supposed to do, she would kiss him back, stroke his face and take as many of those little white pills he carried, as was expected. She pretended not to cringe every time his hand stroked her thigh, knowing it was going to happen again, and she'd have to endure another couple of minutes of heavy breathing, rushed hands, and his rough whispers in her ear about what he could do to her if they were really truly alone. Then, she would have to lie to Siobhan again, about how much she fancied him, and how they'd have to meet up the next day and do it all again.

The dripping of the tap brought Lorraine, back to reality. That tap, she thought, would have to be fixed. All the money that she had thrown at the place, and nothing had been fixed. She would have to speak to Michael. That's if she could ever face him again, after the cat that Sonya had let out of the metaphorical bag, Lorraine knew he could never take her seriously.

She really liked Nicki, _really_ liked her. And she was pretty sure that Nicki felt the same, but she couldn't do this, she just couldn't. She couldn't walk down these halls knowing what everyone was thinking about her. She had always put business before her personal relationships and she didn't see this being any different. In her head, she could see Nicki's face, and she could feel her heart break. Ending it with Nicki would destroy both of them, but Lorraine knew she had to.

It's what she had always done, held the people she cared about most at arm's length. It was easier that way, nobody was disappointed. Apart from this time, Lorraine thought, her manicured fingernails touching the ceramic toilet seat. This time, people were going to get hurt. Lorraine knew she would just have to walk to the PRU, and say it, no beating around the bush. If she faltered, or even if Nicki looked at her in a certain way, she would change her mind, and she couldn't change her mind, not now. It had gone too far. Michael knew, Sonya knew. Soon, Michael would tell Christine and then everyone would know her little secret. Lorraine screwed up her face as she imagined what Christine would say to her once she found out. That woman has always had it in for me, she thought, waiting for a stick to beat her with. And this was the straw that would break her back.

Everything swirled around Lorraine's head, Michael's face mixing with Nicki's, Christine's voice ringing through her ears. She let out an exasperated gasp and she tried furiously to get rid of everything. She lifted the toilet seat, the clanging of ceramic-on-ceramic echoing around the small bathroom. Lorraine checked her watch, lunchtime was over in twenty-five minutes, and she'd have to get going soon to catch Nicki before the kids were back in lessons.

She lifted one hand to keep the seat upright, and leaned forward slightly. She screwed up her eyes, trying to remember the last time, the feelings, the thoughts. She could feel it happening inside her, it was coming. She tried harder, but nothing happened. Realising that she couldn't conjure it up today, she used her other hand, and gagging, emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet bowl.

She retched for a couple of moments, her eyes streaming. Once everything was up, Lorraine sat back on her heels, breathing deeply. She flushed the toilet, and replaced the seat back down.

She stood up; throwing the toilet paper she had been kneeling on into the bin. She straightened her patterned skirt, and patted her hair. Turning around to look in the mirror, she wiped under her eyes, where her mascara had run slightly. Pinching her cheeks to encourage some colour to return to her face, Lorraine sighed, picking her bag up from where she had placed it on the window sill.

After washing her mouth out with water from the tap, she chewed on some gum for a couple of seconds, before reapplying her lip gloss.

Finally, she sighed at her reflection. An unhappy woman stared back at her.

Lorraine wondered when her life had taken this route, where she had decided that throwing up her lunch was the way to happiness. After twenty years, she had come to realise that, in fact, it had pushed her away from happiness. All she had received in return, was loneliness, hunger, bloodshot eyes, and bruises that seemed to appear out of nowhere from a feather touch.

Lorraine shook her head as tears began to well in her eyes, she couldn't get emotional about this now. She was at work, she had to be professional.

She was Lorraine Donnegan, benefactor, woman extraordinaire.

With a sharp pain in her chest, and her heart beating loudly in her ears, she unlocked the door, and went to find Nicki.

As she walked, Lorraine felt a coming sense of dread, as someone of death row walks to a noose.

Because this was the end of the first relationship she had ever had that felt right. Lorraine doubted that there was ever going to be another.

This was the beginning of the end.

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	2. Chapter 2

**"Eating was hard. Breathing was hard. Living was hardest."**

**― Laurie Halse Anderson**

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Lorraine let out a big sigh as she unlocked her front door. Home. She was exhausted after listening to Sonya bang on about Ndale for the past three hours. It had become clear to Lorraine after twenty minutes, that 'Sister Time' to Sonya meant Sonya regaling Lorraine with her sordid tales. On one hand, Lorraine thought that her head would just burst if she heard that man's name again, but on the other, she was glad that her sister hadn't asked her about Nicki and their relationship.

Lorraine herself didn't even know what she would have told her. Nicki's words were running around her head, screaming.

"I'm not willing to put _my_ heart on the line so that you get some practice in at being a human being"

Those words had broken her. They had broken both of them. Lorraine had seen the flicker of uncertainty across Nicki's face once she had said those words, and Lorraine had pleaded with her internally to change her mind. God, she wished that she hadn't been so harsh on Nicki earlier. It was just, everything has gone on for so long, and she was handling it, and then Nicki came along and Lorraine had felt like she was normal. She felt as though she could tell Nicki anything, and that scared the life out of her. She was terrified of Nicki finding out everything that made Lorraine who she is.

The rich luxury chocolates that Sonya had practically force fed her earlier churned in her stomach, and Lorraine rub her hand over her abdomen, willing herself not to. But, once again, she wasn't strong enough to fight herself. Her head started to grow fuzzy again as she kicked off her shoes, quickly snuggling her toes into the plush carpet that covered the majority of the floors in her house. She raked her hand through her hair as she made her way down the hallway, photographs of her accomplishments staring at her accusingly as she passed.

Lorraine reached out and pushed the heavy wooden door of her bathroom open, and for the first time since she had arrived at Sonya's earlier, she could breathe. It had been going on for so long that her bathroom had become her safe haven. It had also become her hell.

Her every imperfection was reflected in the large mirror that spanned one whole wall, and her reflection laughed at her from the shiny, newly polished white marble tiles on the ground. The cool sensation of the tiles against her feet made her shudder slightly, the hard marble contrasting with the soft carpet she had just been walking on.

Lorraine knelt down in front of her toilet, not paying any head to her clothes now, her floors were clean, and they wouldn't dirty anything. She had made sure of that. Now, unlike earlier, she didn't need any help to get rid of the contents of her stomach. She retched until her stomach was completely empty, and then, gagging, she stood up to face herself.

Why did I buy such a huge mirror, she thought to herself, cursing at her reflection. Her hair was limper than usual, and the majority of her makeup had rubbed off by now. What was left of her mascara was now in dark smudges underneath her eyes, standing out against the stark paleness of her cheeks.

Lorraine hated it. She hated everything about it, and more than that, she hated herself. She had never told anyone that she made herself sick. Her stomach turned as she imagined the looks of pity on their faces, and she shivered again. She was in control of this, she had to be.

Her eating disorder had ruled her for so long; she was almost scared to live without it. It had touched so many aspects of her life, it was the reason she had strived so hard to be perfect in business and in her relationships. After some time, she had realized that to be perfect in business, her personal relationships had to suffer. Once she had started succeeding, she had lost contact with Sonya until recently, and she had hardly seen her mother since she had left home, more than twenty years ago. Naturally, she had always paid her mother's mortgage, and now, she paid the residence fees at the care home. Every birthday and Christmas, a gift was dropped off on her mother's front step, the swirly writing clearly stating that it was from Lorraine.

Lorraine felt that it was easier to be unattached. When you have people in your life that care about you, and that you care about, you're just setting yourself up for a fall, she thought. It's easier on your own. It's easier not to have anyone watching you constantly, asking you whether you had eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner, telling you that coffee is not actually a food group, and remarking when the whole tub of ice cream was empty, that it wasn't healthy to eat all of that in one sitting.

Because, sometimes, that happened.

Most recently, it was after Lorraine had worked out in her home gym, and she started to feel hungry. Upon searching through her fridge, she had realized that all she had were lettuce leaves and salad dressing. Without even hesitating, she had wrenched open the door to her freezer for the massive tub that she kept there, hidden behind her ice cube trays. She hadn't really addressed whom she was hiding it from, as she lived alone, but she felt that if someone had seen it, she would be judged and she couldn't have that. She had picked up the tub and dug a massive spoon from her cutlery drawer into the creamy ice cream. She had eaten, and eaten until her spoon had hit the plastic bottom of the tub, and then the wave of dread had washed over her.

She had rushed to her bathroom, to relieve herself straight away.

And then, as she does after every time, she had scrutinised herself in her mirror, poking her hips with her index finger, swearing.

Her weight had been something that had bothered her since she was seventeen. It wasn't that she had been overweight, she hadn't. She had just realized back then that it was something she could control. She couldn't control her school, which was threatening again to kick her out, and she couldn't control the urges she was getting for some of the girls she knew. As she couldn't control her sexuality, her eating habits was something she could. She could skip her lunch one day, and none of her friends judged her, they didn't look at her as if she was some sort of leper.

That's when she had taken up smoking behind the bike sheds with Siobhan, on the outside, it was just something to be cool and fit in, but deep down, it stopped her craving for food, and her craving for Siobhan to like her back the way Lorraine liked her.

Now, Lorraine only used her cigarettes as a crutch when she really couldn't cope. She left her bathroom and fumbled in her handbag for the box that she had bought on the way to Sonya's earlier. Feeling the small object in her hand, Lorraine relaxed, breathing steady. Reaching for her lighter, she lit the cigarette quickly and inhaled deeply, feeling the smoke filling her mouth and making its way down her throat. She exhaled and watched the smoke rise in a plume up to her ceiling.

As she went to take her second drag, her phone caught her eye, and she pressed the home button, illuminating the screen. She had no messages. Her heart dropped, and the cigarette felt heavy in her hand. She had hoped for a text from Nicki, a reply to the text she had sent earlier, begging her to change her mind.

But so far, nothing.

Lorraine quickly finished her cigarette, not enjoying it as much as she usually would, and opened her kitchen window to flick the cigarette out. Again, she raked her two hands through her hair, and walked to her bedroom.

The covers had still not been made from when Nicki had stayed the night before, and Lorraine felt tears start to well up in her eyes. She shook her head sharply to get rid of them, telling herself to get real.

"It was fun," she had said. Why had she been so goddamn harsh? It had not even been twenty four hours and she missed Nicki already. She missed the way, that when they were at her house, she could reach over and grab her hand whenever she wanted, the way that when they weren't with anyone else, Lorraine didn't have to look the other way when she was caught staring at Nicki. She missed all those things already, and it killed her. Because, the fact that she missed Nicki meant that the dark haired woman had made an impact on her. And people do not make an impact on Lorraine Donnegan lightly, she doesn't let them.

It's going to be a long road, Lorraine thought. She knew it was going to be hard to just forget about what she and Nicki had, but she will just have to.

You don't need anyone, she told herself, not for the first time.

You're Lorraine Donnegan; you don't need _anyone_ but yourself.

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**Thank you for reading, I apologize for it not being as good as the first chapter.**

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	3. Chapter 3

**"I did not like to be touched because I craved it too much. I wanted to be held very tight so I would not break. Even now, when people lean down to touch me, or hug me, or put a hand on my shoulder, I hold my breath. I turn my face. I want to cry."**

**― Marya Hornbacher**

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The moonlight streaming through the window opposite her bed woke Lorraine up. She screwed up her face as her eyes got adjusted to the luminescent light. Slowly, she reached over and pressed the home button on her mobile, the screen projecting more light back on to her face.

3.28 am.

Lorraine groaned, and flopped back on to her mattress, staring at the white ceiling of her bedroom. Unconsciously, her right hand brushed over her stomach, making it churn. Even through her pyjamas, she could feel the skin of her stomach pressing against the cool material.

She shook her head slightly, feeling tears well up in her eyes. She hated this. She hated when she woke up in the middle of the night, because, while it was dark outside, nothing belonged to her. She became a possession of the dark and cruel world of the night. She could feel the darkness creeping in, and clouding her vision. Sometimes, it pressed her chest so tightly that she found it hard to breathe, her cries muffled, and her breathing became more and more rapid as she desperately tried to fill her lungs.

At times like these, she became consumed by the images of people she knew – her mum, Sonya, and more recently, Michael and Nicki had been making appearances. She got flashes of their faces, which quickly contorted into her own face, her own eyes pitying her until she couldn't handle it anymore. She would scream at herself to go away, when she really knew that was impossible.

She would ball her hands into fists and try to lash out at whatever was closest, her pillows, a nightstand, her own body. She would stand in her full length mirror, light only by the moon, and stare at herself silently, tears rolling down her cheeks. She looked ghostly at these times, the light reflecting off her blonde hair, and her tears. She would pinch the skin around her stomach with two fingers, shaking her head at the sight.

She couldn't remember back when this had started. This feeling that she was always running from something, someone. She felt like she could never take a break, never slow down. Never let people get too close, is what she told herself, because when you let people in, that's when the shit hits the fan. That's when they try to change you, and if there was one thing that Lorraine Donnegan didn't need, it was change.

She had worked so hard, since she was a teenager, to portray herself as a well-put-together individual, making sure her hair was always immaculate, her make-up done to perfection, her clothes always of the latest trend. She began striving for the unreachable, all the time lying to herself that it was attainable. She thought that if one aspect of herself was perfect, the others would just work out in suit.

Once she got her mind stuck on something, it completely consumed her, and she thought of nothing else. That's why she had been so scared to let her guard down with Nicki, she thought, because once you have to think of someone else, you let yourself fall by the wayside. And she couldn't let that happen, she'd been trying for so long to be perfect, to be the one everyone wanted to be, to be the woman that people stop in the street to look at when she walks by.

She had realised a long time ago, that her weight was very important to her image. Once someone saw you as the skinny woman, you just _couldn't _change that perception, God no. Her weight was something that Lorraine could control something that, when she had nothing else, she was in charge of, and she had the final say on. She wasn't fully in control in business, she wasn't fully in control in her relationships, but saying what did and didn't go in, or come out, of her mouth, was totally up to her.

She breathed shallow and stared steely at her reflection, raising a hand to wipe away her tears. She felt sick, but she turned away from the snivelling wreck that seemed to be mirroring every action, and returned to her bed.

She lay under the cool sheets, suddenly wishing someone was here. Someone who would listen, and hold her when she wanted, and give her space when she didn't. Someone who would lie beside her in the silence, not speaking, but somehow understanding.

She had tried for so long, to be seen as a sort of statue of a person, not really full human. When you're human, you can get hurt, and when you get hurt, you break. And people let you down. And people leave. And it's just easier if you're not human.

Lorraine had tried to for so long to avoid people, just in case she had actually started to care about them. Even when people brought their heads too close to hers when talking, it made her wince inside. Every time someone quickly laid a hand on her arm when they were talking, their touch burned her skin. And she didn't want that anymore.

A thought struck her, in the darkness. Maybe she was starting to realise that you could let people in, and that not everyone was an enemy.

She shook her head, not quite believing what she was thinking.

She realised that she did actually want someone, someone who could accept her for the inward mess that she is.

And she had someone in mind.

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**A huge thank you to everyone who has read this story, and to everyone who has reviewed: thank you, it seriously makes my day, and it encourages me to write more when I know that there are people who actually care if I update or not.**

**I really do hope you're enjoying this story, as sensitive as the subject matter is and I am really trying to do it justice.**

**Thank you so much and don't forget to review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them."**

**― Ernest Hemingway**

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The sound of her high heels on the polished floor rang in Lorraine's ears.

Click, clack. Click, clack.

The noise pounded in her head, and she squinted as she walked, as though there was a massive force being exerted on her skull. She stood outside the door and outstretched her hand to grasp the stainless steel door handle, and then faltered.

Was this what she really wanted? Because once she did it, once she reached out and opened that door, there wasn't any turning back. She had lain awake for hours the night before, going over every possible outcome in her head. The fact that some outcomes were that Nicki could just refuse her completely gave her a sharp pain in her chest that made it hard to breathe.

She had believed for so long that trusting people was the wrong thing to do; all that came of it was misery, and pain. But she had come to understand that not trusting people brought its own share of agony. She had always tried to block out the constant ache of there not being someone she could confide in, that she never had anyone to call that could drop everything they were doing just to rush to her side when she needed it.

Not that it was something she really yearned for, she wasn't a damsel in distress that needed saving. Just maybe a damsel that needed some company every now and again.

Nicki had been the one person that had _got_ her. Even though whatever they had had, had been fleeting, it had opened Lorraine's eyes to the fact that sometimes, you didn't always have to say what you were feeling, sometimes, the other person just knew. And, on one level, that had frightened her, because having someone know when something isn't right didn't bode well with her world. The world she had created a long time ago, filled with her secrets and long, dark nights of silent, hysterical tears being smothered into her pillow.

Lorraine shook her head, knowing that her brain was automatically trying to psych her out of what she was about to do. She knew Nicki would take some convincing, and she knew she had to let part of her barrier down to even get the brunette to listen what she had to say.

She could feel her throat tighten as the thought crossed her mind, what if Nicki didn't listen to what she had to say, what if she refused to even give her a minute. She didn't really deserve it, after what she had said. Lorraine _had_ to make her listen. Even if they could just talk properly, away from Waterloo Road, maybe everything could work out.

She took a moment to breathe, feeling the air inflate her lungs before being forced out by her exhale. She clenched her fists momentarily, and shook them in front of her face.

Go on then, the voice in her head said, and without any more hesitation, she pulled down on the handle and pushed open the door to the PRU.

"Ni-Miss Boston," she said, breathlessly, "Could I have a word?"

Nicki had looked up from the marking that sat on the desk in front of her when the door had opened. She sat silent for a moment, before casting a stern eye over the students, who seemed unfazed by the sudden arrival of the blonde benefactor.

"Hmm?," Nicki grunted, her thought process completely jumbled by the sheer presence of Lorraine. The blonde sent her a small smile,

"A word? Outside, please…," she said, as breathless as before. God, Lorraine cursed herself, was hardly like she had run here. But her heart was beating so loudly as Nicki made her way to the door, that Lorraine had to quickly scan the faces of the children to see whether any of them could hear the pounding noise that was hammering in her ears.

She stepped out into the hallway, and waited until Nicki had closed the door behind her, to look up. Lorraine's eyes traced every inch of Nicki's face, and she could feel the burning of her cheeks and looked down, praying that they weren't turning red.

"Lorraine? What do you want?"

The words seemed magnified in Lorraine's head, the letters that made up the words forming in her brain. She raised her head to look at Nicki in the eye, her temples throbbing, and she exhaled steadily, trying to regain some control.

"You…," the word cut through the heavy silence, the only sound amongst the noise of their breathing. Lorraine blinked and started again, "You never texted me back last week…when I said I was sorry…"

Nicki's gaze left Lorraine's face, and focused hard on the wall behind her.

"I didn't think there was anything to say, Lorraine…," Nicki replied, her voice slightly wavering it's pitch, as it always seemed to do whenever she was around Lorraine, "You made it clear that we were nothing more than a bit of fun, so I didn't see the point in hearing any more explanations-," she trailed off as she caught sight of the other woman's face, she had turned so pale that she nearly blended together with her blonde hair.

Lorraine shook her head, and squeezed her eyes shut tight before speaking, trying to get the words right, "I need to explain…please…it wasn't just a bit of _fun_, and I shouldn't have said that, it's just…it's just…"

"Look Lorraine, I get it, you don't want any hard feelings…you'll hear no arguments from me…," Nicki placed her hand on the door handle and turned away from Lorraine. She was about to push open the door to return to her class when she felt another hand being placed over her own. She turned around far too quickly, with her face too close to Lorraine's.

"Please…," Lorraine pleaded softly, her eyes burning into Nicki's.

If this was anyone else, Nicki would have just turned back into her classroom and carried on the lesson without a second thought. She wouldn't have listened to excuses; Nicki Boston doesn't listen to excuses. But then again, this was Lorraine Donnegan, and she didn't _make _them. There was something in Lorraine's eyes that Nicki had never seen before, it was if whatever barrier had been up before had now been lowered, and there was a sense of vulnerability about Lorraine that Nicki had never sensed before, a sense of vulnerability that Nicki hadn't even known that Lorraine could possess.

"Okay," Nicki whispered.

Lorraine blinked, and all of a sudden, there was nothing behind her eyes anymore, as though she had read Nicki's thoughts. Her eyes shone brightly though as she gave Nicki a smile. _That smile._

"Come round to mine later, about seven?," Lorraine suggested lightly, swiftly removing her hand from on top of Nicki's.

Nicki nodded, and the look on Lorraine's face gave her a tightening in her chest, and she could feel her heart speed up.

With one last smile, Lorraine turned, flicking her curls over her shoulders. "See you later then," she called, pulling her phone out of her pocket, back in Ms Donnegan mode.

Nicki gave a small laugh as she watched Lorraine get smaller and smaller as she walked away, and she waited until the blonde had rounded a corner until she returned to her class.

She glanced at the clock as she strode to her desk; she hadn't been out in the hallway for more than ten minutes. It had felt like hours.

Whenever she spent time with Lorraine, it felt as though a whole day had passed in a single minute, and Nicki wasn't quite sure whether that was entirely good or bad.

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**Sorry this chapter was so horrendous, I can't do speech at all! **

**Although, if you somewhat enjoyed it, please leave a review or favourite, or whatever you want to do :)**

**Thank you to everyone for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**"I began to feel like I was wearing a sign on my forehead that said FUCKED UP in big neon letters."**

**― Marya Hornbacher**

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The slam of the door still echoed in Lorraine's head. She could remember it so clearly that it was like it had happened only yesterday. She remembered the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach and the look on Nicki's face. She could still hear the noise Nicki's shoes made on the polished floor as she made her way to the door.

Lorraine gulped, trying to choke back the tears that always seemed to form whenever she thought of that moment.

Nicki had arrived at Lorraine's place at the time that they'd set, and Lorraine had been so nervous that she had wondered if Nicki had been able to hear her heart, it was beating so loud. Everything had started fine, Nicki had taken a seat, had been offered and accepted a drink, and they had started to talk.

Lorraine had explained about her issue with showing emotion, and Nicki had seemed understanding, she had even reached over and placed a hand on the blonde woman's knee at one point. And then the fight happened.

Lorraine had convinced herself before Nicki had arrived that she was going to tell her everything, about her mother, about her eating disorder, her feelings towards her, absolutely everything. And she had tried, she really had, but when it came to it, she couldn't bring herself to do it.

Nicki had clearly felt that something was being hidden from her, and she had asked what was wrong so many times that Lorraine had just closed up completely and had just sat there, emotionless.

Even now, she cursed herself, it gave her a sharp twinge in the chest when she thought of how she had remained there motionless, through all Nicki's worried questions. She hadn't even looked up as Nicki stood, asking one last time before she walked out the front door.

The first time she raised her head was when she heard the roar of the car engine fade softly as Nicki drove down the road away from her. Her hand had been clutching her wine glass so tightly that she was amazed that there weren't tiny fractures in the glass' surface.

It hadn't hit her at first. It hadn't occurred to her that Nicki leaving was such a poignant event. But the next day, when Lorraine realised no calls or texts had been returned to her, it began to be a problem. Or the next Monday at school, when there was a sealed envelope on her desk from Nicki stating her sudden leave of absence, citing a family emergency as the reason, the dull pain in her chest grew stronger and stronger.

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For the first week, Lorraine had carried on with her business, expecting Nicki to stride through the door at any given moment, willing to sit with her again and listen to what she had to say. Although, Lorraine still wasn't sure she would be able to reveal everything to the brunette, no matter how much she wanted to.

This _thing_ had been chipping away at her for years, it had become a part of her, and she felt that if she told anyone, it wouldn't be her own private thing anymore, and that frightened her a little. She wouldn't have a secret anymore, and once one person knew, well…then everyone would know and she didn't need or want that. She was well capable to handling her own problems, she'd had to for so long, and it was second nature to her now.

But Nicki had been gone a little over a month now, and Lorraine was slowly starting to lose her patience. Her calls still went unanswered, and she had heard from gossip in the staff room, that Nicki had been frequently in touch with other members of the teaching staff, so it wasn't her mobile that was the problem.

She had grown past the stage of anger with Nicki by now; it was just that she missed her. Lorraine had never experienced this before; nobody she had become so close to had ever left like this. But then again, she had never allowed herself to become so close before. But this, this feeling of missing someone so constantly was driving her mental. She was forever checking her phone for a text, or a call, or anything to show that Nicki was ready to give her another chance.

Sometimes, it was just all too much. Missing people is hard work, and she had never known that it was a physical pain as much as a psychological one too. When she thought about it too much, her breathing started to increase so much that she ended up gasping for air, tears streaming down her face. And it happened in the most unexpected places too, any slight mention of Nicki made her mind drift back.

And every so often, it happened again. She always told herself no, it wasn't going to happen again, not until she saw Nicki. But then it did. And every time she caught sight of herself as she left the bathroom, her features lit up, her mascara smudged slightly under eyes, her cheeks more rounded, and she hated herself. She hated herself because every time she leaned over that toilet, she lost a little more of the self-control she thought she had built up for herself.

Each time, she prayed it would be the last, but each time she was wrong.

Life without Nicki was fast spiralling out of her control, and that was something that she just couldn't handle. She was starting to see the teacher's curious glances, their whispers as she walked by. She had noticed it in herself, her hair, which she had always prided herself so much on, had started falling out again. Not much, but this was the start of it the last time she had gotten bad.

She needed someone. Although, then again, it wasn't just anyone she needed. She knew exactly who it was. But how do you talk to someone who won't take your calls?

* * *

**A/N: My apologies for this chapter being so horrendously bad! And also, sorry for the lack of updates, this story was started through a very difficult time I was having, but things are so better now it's hard for me to write the dark, intense stuff now. But fear not, I will try and update regularly now!**

**This chapter is for Sophie & Sophie, who begged for a chapter!**


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